January 28, 1993 (Thursday)

I’ve been listening to the rain pour down in sheets since the morning. The wind’s been blowing too. After awhile, the sun came out… only for it to start snowing. Then the sun came out again. What strange weather.

“Just like a young girl’s heart,” Doctor Nagumo remarked. How strange, usually when I think of a doctor, I imagine them as emotionally distant. I was cheered up to by the warm comment.

And right as I was thinking that, he took one look at me – with my light makeup on – and scolded me, saying “sick people should look like they’re sick!” He knows nothing about a young girl’s heart.

The president from the office came to visit and told me about the work schedule. My stand-in’s been chosen and it seems like the industry is keeping busy.

Just thinking about someone else playing my part left me speechless.

Bluntly speaking, the words “that’s terrible” almost sprang forth from my mouth, but a part of me desperately fought back to hold it in.

I wonder what kind of performance she will give as the story’s in the middle of building up. Will she play the role so well that she’ll just wipe away the memories of me?

Bah! It’s all my fault anyway. I’m the one in the wrong here. There’s nothing I can do about it.

The only reprieve I have is “there’s nothing I can do.”

Please, do your best! Give it your all!

Keiichi came. It feels like it’s been forever. He brought a huge bouquet of baby’s breath. Thanks! They’re pretty little flowers.

My parents went home to give Keiichi a turn to come in. I guess they were looking out for me.

Visiting hours are until 7pm, but Keiichi stayed with me until 7:30. Even still, I felt like I couldn’t say what I was thinking.

I felt like there was so much I wanted to say, but I knew I’d burst into tears if I did.

We met in a completely normal fashion and dated the same way, and I used to think that if things stayed this way I’d have no problem keeping a career while raising a family. Not a doubt in my mind about the idea of “a woman’s happiness” that I was told about.

But…

I feel like I’m somehow damaged after the surgery.

Can we really make it together, just like before? Can I hold a wedding on May 30th like we planned? What do Keiichi’s parents really think? What does Keiichi feel about all this now?

After Keiichi went home, I was filled with sadness and cried through the night.