Hospital Diary

February 4, 1993 (Thursday)

I feel absolutely awful.

I told him how I felt.

“I really don’t want to get married right now. It feels like a burden. I don’t feel confident I can pull it off.”

I wonder what Keiichi’s thinking.

It was scary, but I tried to say “you know, look at me.”

“You’re like a bed-bound old woman,” he joked.

I’m being serious here.

I lost an ovary and the other is damaged, so I’m a bit at a loss about myself as a woman.

“I’m going out for a smoke.” And with that, he left.

You know, I was kinda hoping he would say something to make me feel better.

I have a fever and can’t think straight.

Whenever we’re together, the room feels oppressive.

Someone help me.

After thinking it over again, I decided it’s over today.

I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be alone right away.